Talking to people about your past relationships is always a weird thing. If you talk about it with someone you have just met, they think you are just stuck in the past. If you talk about it with someone you are currently dating you always expose yourself and get to a point where you either make them jealous (and in that case, you should probably get out of this relationship) or you earn their trust for being open.
One way or the other as weird or risky as it might sound, it is really important to talk about it. You learn from every relationship no matter if it is good or bad. The funniest thing is when after years of being in love with someone but somehow never end up at the same place to be together you have a chance to talk. And surprisingly discover, that you have a very similar point of view, relationships considering.
Might be because we have shared a lot together. Wait. That is not quite the truth. We never really talked, not even about normal things, even less about how we feel. But somehow we got connected and learned a lot from each other relationship-wisely. I have lost most of my ideas about relationships with him. And about love itself. Which happens when you are love-blinded eighteen years old and you can decline even though it all looked like he is interested. On the other hand, I have lost some of my boundaries, spend the first night together and slept over in his apartment even though we were not dating.
In the next three years when we were still circling around each other, I got roughened. A lot. I started to have troubles trusting people and showing my feelings. I mean, I am a caring person so I think most people have not really noticed the difference. I also haven’t had problems to tell people I like them. Or love them. But I have had lots of problems showing it except for taking care of them. I am a tough person. I do not like to show my weaknesses, I like to keep my things private. I am a workaholic and would never admit that I am tired or I do not have the strength to meet with someone who is in trouble and listen to their problems for hours. That is why I always ended up in the relationships which I was driving. I was the motor. The one taking care of the other person and not receiving. The one always following the wishes and needs of the other person. Of course, I was taken care of as well, but I have never met someone, until the last person, that would get me. The real me. Those other guys bought me food or told me to get some rest when I was half dead from exhaustion. But none of them took my hand, dragged me to the bed and stayed there with me to hug me while I fall asleep.
I am aware that I did not make it simple for people around me, to read in me. But I have learned recently after two long term stays abroad that have changed me profoundly, that there are people around me, that do understand me. That can recognize when I am sad, need a hug, they can tell how I feel. There are people that will just send me to go and get some sleep when they see how tired I am. I might be the girl who always seems fine, over the top, not taking too much care about what is going on with her life. The girl who is always there to take care of her friends, listen to their problems, help them when they need it.
But hello. I also need help. Yes, I can take a lot, but that is, even more, the reason why I need someone I can lean on in my life. I need my rock. Someone to come to in the evening and get a hug, back rub and to talk to about my feelings. I am like a roasted marshmallow. Hard to get, with a crust on the outside, but soft and sweet inside.
If you have a person around you that seems so tough and like they can take on everything and are always there for you, think if they have a rock for themselves as well. For once, when you meet them, ask them about their problems. They will tell you, they are fine and that you do not have to worry. But trust me, even this little question will make a crack in that marshmallow crust. And it will make us tough people slightly more open to you.
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